I had brunch with Ije today, I haven’t seen her in six months. The last time we had lunch was in August 2021, we had to reschedule a few times because she was cramping, Ije has a six year old son and has been trying for another baby. Her gynae had recommended the HSG test to check the condition of her fallopian tubes. Everyone who has had this test done complains of the pain and intense cramping but, it is also well known to clears out any obstructions in the tubes causing conception right after in most women.
I love Ije, she is hilarious and has no filter whatsoever. A catch up with her is a always a riot. Matter of fact, I love all my friends named Ije, really sweet girls. I know that sounds one kind but I am straight biko, I just like to hail my friends that is all. Lol.
So, enter lunch, I was excited about this pregnancy because I knew she was trying hard and a bit worried. Ije saunters in wearing a chambray shirt and disco pink leggings with her feet in heels, her hair is in a pixie cut and well styled, she has always known ow to lay her baby hair edges and she does not disappoint, she has sunglasses on and does not take it off because she has not had a chance to refill her eyelashes and in her mind, she looks tired. She looks fabulous with the cutest bump ever, she is 26 weeks gone. I on the other hand, look like a bum, and I am zero weeks pregnant! I just started taking swimming lessons in this my old age and brunch is right after a class where I had flashes of drowning, gulped chlroine water and question why I cannot accept that this swimming life may be behind me. I do not have the presence of mind to wear lip gloss let alone heels and there is this gorgeous pregnant human in front of me, What is my excuse again?? All your pregnant slay queens, pity us regular folks. I do not even know how to wear heels post lock down, dammit.
Anyway, my best wishes are extended to her and the fun conversation begins. Ije is telling me how she discovered she was pregnant. In preparations for her 35th birthday, she decided t0 get herself some Lipo, Lol…I thought it was only Mobola who talked about shit like this, like I will get myself some Lipo for my birthday or some Botox for Christmas! I added that last part but she totally said the first. Back to Ije, She states, not all those Lipo that give you an exaggerated hip and ridiculous waist, I just wanted a little Lipo (is there big lipo) to help everything sit well. I am intrigued, tell me more, She says, haven’t you heard of Dr Femi in Lekki 1? No I haven’t I say. Ah he is the one that does professional women bodies o, just small touch up to look nice in corporate dresses which you can maintain with exercise. His clinic is called Lekki Hill (shoutout to those who know Dr Femi or will be contacting him post this story), I might as well add a disclaimer here while I am at it. I go and take a look on Instagram and see for myself, Wonderful! This mini lipo surgery will cost N2.2 Million naira or $4000. The main problem is not the funds, it is that Ije and her husband’s finances are so closely knit together that he will surely notice such a sum leaving the account. Oh did I mention she did not want to tell him about this surgery? I squeallllllllllllllll. I do not know if I love it or hate it. You want to do a whole surgery that they will put you under and you will not tell your husband??? She said her traditional Igbo lover will not understand it, especially for someone actively trying to have a baby. So, what did you want to do? She said I was going to say I was travelling to Abuja for work and then schedule the surgery, but how will I return in bandages? At this point, my laughter is guffaw like, I am impressed. This girl was committed to actually purchasing a ticket to Abuja to help this cause, please are you people not impressed too???
So, Ije pays the initial deposit for blood tests and is issued anti malaria medication to begin taking 5 days before no malaria the surgery because how can someone deal with post op healing and malaria, what a wow. She was supposed to get her results back in 48 hours then schedule her surgery, she never got a call back so she rang the hospital and was informed “Madam we cannot schedule you for surgery o, you are pregnant”. Hahahaha, I screamed!!!!! What a way to find out such a joyous news, from the plastic surgeon. She promptly calls her husband to report herself because you know she hasn’t missed any periods, this is new new pregnancy caught early and he is the tracker of ovulation with multiple apps to boot! He refuses to have sex on days when potential for pregnancy is low to save sperm, Gosh I laughed, who needs food at brunch, I am being served life on a platter. She said I needed to report myself fast, Ah Nnenna, he was quiet…you mean you wanted to undergo major surgery and not tell me anything. Fear women o!!! She says “My husband’s chi is strong sha”, more like God saved you as we say.
So here we are today, easy pregnancy, no drama. I can see for myself, anyone who can think of getting eyelashes refilled and pixie cut styled weekly is living in pregnancy bliss. Congratulations Ije, I am excited for you. I cannot help but think that once this baby is out, Dr Femi will be seeing her real soon.
I cannot understand people knowingly agreeing to be put under for aesthetics purpose, I mean I understand but I am shook. I am super scared of surgery, I delayed my fibroids removal until it was absolutely necessary and even then, I got into the theatre and started hyperventilating, shouting I need to pee! I had visons of me running out of the theatre in that gown open at the back with my butt hanging outside! The only reason that didn’t happen by the way is because one minute I was thinking of it and the next I was being woken up after the surgery!!! That is the scariest shit ever, I did not even feel myself go under or dream in the state of “underness”. I think I struggle with sleep now even because what if I sleep and do not wake up? It is not an irritational fear, this is how I lost my dad, in an afternoon nap!! Okay Okay, this is getting heavy.
That will be all for now, let me go and explore Dr femi’s page for you people, maybe I will find the courage to get a breast reduction while at it. I mean GG cups…come on, when there are some people that only have dots on their chest for breast, hehe. This life no balance at all indeed. Toddles.